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Marxists
Kirk Dorff and Josh Foyle.
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AMHERST, MA—The filthy, disorganized apartment shared by
three members of the Amherst College Marxist Society is a microcosm of why the
social and economic utopia described in the writings of Karl Marx will never
come to fruition, sources reported Monday.
"The history of society is the inexorable history of
class struggle," said sixth-year undergraduate Kirk Dorff, 23, resting his
feet on a coffee table cluttered with unpaid bills, crusted cereal bowls, and
bongwater-stained socialist pamphlets. "The stage is set for the final
struggle between the bourgeoisie and the proletariat, the true productive
class. We're well aware of that here at 514 W. Elm Street, unlike other
apartments on this supposedly intellectual campus."
Upon moving in together at the beginning of the fall 2001
semester, Dorff, Josh Foyle, and Tom Eaves sat down and devised an egalitarian
system for harmonious living. Each individual roommate would be assigned a
task, which he would be required to carry out on a predetermined day of the
week. A bulletin board in the kitchen was chosen as the spot for household
announcements, and to track reimbursements for common goods like toothpaste and
toilet paper.
"We were creating an exciting new model for
living," said Dorff, stubbing his cigarette into an ashtray that had not
been emptied in six days. "It was like we were dismantling the apparatus
of the state right within our own living space."
Despite the roommates' optimism, the system began to break
down soon after its establishment. To settle disputes, the roommates held
weekly meetings of the "Committee of Three."
"I brought up that I thought it was total bullshit that
I'm, like, the only one who ever cooks around here, yet I have to do the
dishes, too," said Foyle, unaware of just how much the apartment
underscores the infeasibility of scientific socialism as outlined in Das
Kapital. "So we decided that if I cook, someone else has to do the dishes.
We were going to rotate bathroom-cleaning duty, but then Kirk kept skipping his
week, so we had to give him the duty of taking out the garbage instead. But now
he has a class on Tuesday nights, so we switched that with the mopping."
After weeks of complaining that he was the only one who knew
how to clean "halfway decent," Foyle began scaling back his efforts,
mirroring the sort of production problems experienced in the USSR and other
Soviet bloc nations.
At an Oct. 7 meeting of the Committee of Three, more duties
and a point system were added. Two months later, however, the duty chart is all
but forgotten and the shopping list is several pages long.
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Dishes and seminal Marxist tracts pile up in the kitchen
sink.
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The roommates have also tried to implement a food-sharing
system, with similarly poor results. The dream of equal distribution of shared
goods quickly gave way to pilferage, misallocation, and hoarding.
"I bought the peanut butter the first four times, and
this Organic Farms shit isn't cheap," Eaves said. "So ever since,
I've been keeping it in my dresser drawer. If Kirk wants to make himself a
sandwich, he can run to the corner store and buy some Jif."
Another failed experiment involves the cigarettes bought
collectively. Disagreements constantly arose over who smoked more than his fair
share of the group's supply of American Spirit Blues, and the roommates now
hide individually purchased packs from each other—especially late at night when
shortages are frequent.
The situation is familiar to Donald Browning, author of Das
Kouch: A History Of College Marxism, 1970-1998.
"When workers willfully become less productive, the
economy of the household suffers," Browning said. "But in a society
where a range of ability naturally exists, someone is bound to object to
picking up the slack for others and end up getting all pissy, like Josh
does."
According to Browning, the group's lack of productivity
pervades their lives, with roommates encouraging each other to skip class or
work to sit on the couch smoking pot and talking politics.
"A spirit of free-market competition in the house would
likely result in better incomes or better grades," Browning said.
"Then, instead of being hated and ostracized by the world at large as
socialist countries usually are, they could maintain effective diplomacy with
their landlord, their parents, and Kirk's boss who cut back his hours at Shaman
Drum Books."
The lack of funds and the resulting scarcity breeds not only
discontent but also corruption. Although collectivism only works when all
parties contribute to the fullest extent, Foyle hid the existence of a $245
paycheck from roommates so he would not have to pay his back rent, in essence
refusing to participate in the forced voluntary taxation that is key to
socialism. Even worse, Dorff, who is entrusted with bill collection and
payment, recently pocketed $30, a theft he claimed was "for the heating
bill" but was put toward buying drinks later that night.
"As is human nature, power tends to corrupt even the
noblest of men," Browning said. "The more power the collective has
over the lives of the individuals, as is the case in this household, the more
he who is in charge of distribution has to gain by being unscrupulous. These
Marxists will soon realize they overestimated how much control they would like
514 W. Elm as an entity to have."
(Source)
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